Tuesday, April 1, 2014

If only it were a fool's joke; or, maybe I am the fool

Today was a busy day in the making. My older two, one in 2nd grade and one in kindergarten, are home for spring break. That means, I have four children, between the ages of 2 and 7, around the clock. But, to add to the fun, I had invited two girls who had been adopted by a dear family, less than a year ago, for an all-day play date. So, today, I was going to have and did have six children, between the ages of 2 and 7, under one roof, with only one adult (me) all day.

To start the day, I got a super angry, spiteful e-mail forward from my ex. I don't even want to call him my ex, because I do not want there to be any remaining association between us. But, to to refer to him as the children's father would still hint at some sort of residual relationship binding us, albeit real but discouraging one. Our divorce was final July of last year. Since then, I have seen increasing anger, spite, wrath, and dishonesty. Enough dishonesty and lies to leave the judge appalled and offended, when we went to back to court recently. I could sense the hate, spite, and venom rising from the e-mail he had sent to my attorney and copied me.

This day, like most other days, I spent time with children, cooked, washed dishes, started some laundry, and tried the best I could to provide for well-being of children; whilst some angry 40 year old man explosively threw a temper tantrum fit for a four year old. So glad am I to no longer have the ties of marriage to such a man, because such a life would be grievously bleak, unpredictably frightening, and dark. I truly want to be a good mother to the children, and I have trouble sleeping thinking about where I can improve and where I fall short. It is April fool's day. Tears are streaming down my cheeks at the relentless, raging storm I have been weathering. Am I the fool here?

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