This little light

I must confess, I have been a bit discouraged by the more difficult matters in my life. Trying to find a full-time job for the 2014-2015 academic year, so that I can provide for the children and me. Being out of full-time teaching in academia and not publishing haven't helped my search. Not one bit. None of my traits seem marketable and appealing to these people. The father of these children is not supporting the children whatsoever, except in attempt to buy their affection when he does see them. But, I didn't have the expectation that he would be able to provide for them or me. I have earmarked many job openings that are potentials for me, but I haven't actually sent any out. I am in need of one more letter of recommendation. My C.V. looks so unimpressive compared with my colleagues'. The job descriptions in themselves look bleak and unattainably high. Plus, I spend much of my so-called free time driving (the girls to and from school), cooking, cleaning, washing dishes, buying groceries, wiping dirty bottoms, feeding mouths, doing laundry, working for the online class(es) I am teaching. Where, oh where, do I find the energy and time to apply for jobs?

I sense that I should be writing a book, but the topic is seemingly impossible and I am uncertain of the exact road map. I already tried and failed a 50,000 words in the month of November challenge to get that writing incentive going. And, I haven't done any real writing on the book since the beginning of the last full week of November.

I don't know how others feel about this, but mothering - molding and shaping the characters of children, hoping they will turn out to be good people - is hard work. I spend much time feeling guilty for not being loving enough, being too strict, doubting whether I am doing all I can do. My children are more important than much in my life, and I really want to get my obligation as a mother straight.

I need a little encouragement to keep from crying and crying and crying at the moment. So, I shall stop and give thanks. I am thankful the arms that have surrounded the children and me. They have been little lights in our lives. One instance of these outstretched arms is that a good friend, as an early Christmas present, took the girls and me to the ballet (while another friend watched the twins at home). Though my ballet is pretty rusty and nothing to write home about, I did take seven years of ballet and have a fond appreciation of the art. The girls have been interested in ballet for some time, and this was the first ever performance they attended.

Though I might have moments of intense despair and sadness, I know I am loved.

A different and most welcomed portrayal of true love

A friend of mine and I took my older two to see "Frozen" this afternoon. How refreshing, exciting, adventurous, exquisite the movie is! The animation was superb (on a side note, I absolutely loved the Mickey Mouse/Minnie Mouse short film that previewed right beforehand, with Mickey and Minnie popping on and off the movie screen) and amazing. Seeing two princesses who were strong, not merely waiting for someone to rescue them, was refreshing. The music was delightful. Loved the adventure. The girls (7 years old and 5 years old) and I were a bit scared at times, especially towards the end of the movie. I was super excited to see that the "true love" portrayed in this wasn't the typical romantic love - between prince charming and a princess - as oftentimes seen in Disney or Hollywood movies . . . I will try not to ruin the surprise for those who have yet to see the movie or have not heard about the ending.

The sisters are so different, and yet there are plenty of redeeming qualities for each:

Elsa - (the older sister)

• understands that tremendous power comes with huge responsibility and always is mindful about not hurting others with that power.
• wants to protect her sister, even when the sacrifice (of protecting her sister) comes at a huge price.
• does not stop wanting to find out answers.
• loves others tremendously.
• finds the strength to live well, even though she has to be isolated for quite some time.
• does not become cold and hard through her difficult life circumstances and challenges.

Anna - (the younger sister)

• loves her sister loyally, continuously, and deeply, despite not being aware and not being informed about the forced (albeit protective) distance between them.
• does not stop believing in her sister and having a sustaining faith (in her sister and family).
• has not given up on love, real love.
• has the strength, courage, resolve to venture and battle the dangerous and the unknown for her sister.
• loves so genuinely, so deeply, without reservation, that she is willing to sacrifice her life.
• emanates a sort of innocence and naivety, yet is strong, bold, and loving in her own right.

I don't get out much - sticker shock of movie theater tickets

A good friend of mine got my children Disney shirts from Children's Place for Christmas. The store was running a promotion for a $5.00 voucher for the movie, "Frozen," for each Disney shirt purchased. She asked if taking the older two to see "Frozen" would be okay. She wanted me to come along, too. With four vouchers in hand, we went online to redeem those vouchers and print out certificates. Whilst online, I checked the price of tickets. Tickets are $8.50 for children and $9.50 for adults, for matinee. What?! Since when?! How come new releases in the theater are so expensive?! I had told the girls I would try to get some popcorn, too. But, that was before I knew just how much tickets were going to be. Even with the $5.00 vouchers, that's still $16.00. Add on the popcorn, and around $20-something will have been spent. For someone who is trying to live on a tight budget, that puts a huge hole in my pocket!

This are my glasses, this is my book...

3:45 am. . . Really? My daughter, the girl twin, started proclaiming that she had already done her business in her diaper and, in the process or insisting that her diaper got changed, woke up her brother. And so began my morning.

With a high in the lower teens, a snow storm in the forecast, and not so friendly road conditions, I had been hoping for just a tad bit more sleep. Was hoping to wake up some time AFTER 4 or 4:30 am, not before. Too bad.

The drive to the girls' school took nearly double the time this morning. The twins were super tired on the drive. No doubt. They woke up so early. I was asked, no, told, to sing a number of songs, including: "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star," a tiger song, the ABC song, "These are my glasses," and a host of other songs, which is oftentimes the case when my daughter is tired and on the verge of falling asleep. But, I was so tired, too. I love to sing and music plays an important role in my life, but singing while trying to avoid possible collisions in tumultuous driving conditions can be challenging.

Anyways, mid-afternoon, I was exchanging some of the children's clothes at a store, with all the children and a friend waiting in the car. Since the weather was bitter cold, I left the engine partially on. What I hadn't realized was that I didn't turn my headlights off. When I returned to the car and attempted to start the engine, the battery was dead. I didn't have time for this, I had all the children in the car, and temperatures were dropping outside! What happened next was such a huge blessing. The lady parked in front of me was just getting into her car with her daughter and was preparing to leave, when I found out my car would not start. I quickly asked her if she'd mind offering me a jump. I told her I had jumper cables in my car. A worker at the shopping center asked if we needed assistance. When helping, the guy told us to always connect the positive (red) to the dead battery first. Good to know. I have used jumper cables in the past, but I didn't recall that the red was supposed to be connected to the dead battery first, before the good battery. While we were hooking up the cars' batteries, the gal whose car we were using to jump my car battery said she used to own a car much like mine and she had battery trouble all the time. Wow, that wasn't news I was expecting.

That I was able to get assistance with starting my car was such a blessing amidst such bitter cold weather today. I don't believe in random coincidences where fortune just happens to befall me; I seem to be bent towards disaster, if anything. That the person parked in front of me, happened to be at the right place at the right time and was willing to help, brought warmth to my heart on a very cold day. For that, I am truly thankful.

4 am

That 4 am, that 4 am, I do not like that 4 am. I do not like it in a house, I do not like it with a mouse. I do not like it here or there. I do not like it anywhere. I do not like 4 am. I do not, do not like 4 am.

Learning to be still

One of my talents is not being still. Not by voluntary choice or by any sort of sadistic desire, my day begins at 4 or 4:30 am daily, and I have to hit the ground running. My younger two children nurse, sit on the potty and have their first table-food meal first thing in the morning. While I am tending those two, I also have to get the older two children up. Why can't they be quick to rise like the younger two?! I have to make sure they get up (and stay up) and start getting ready for school - go to the bathroom, change into their uniforms, place their water bottle and snacks in their school bags, place their school bags next to the door to the garage, and sit at the table for breakfast. There isn't much time for lollygagging, because there is a long drive ahead to get the girls to their language-immersion school that is 35-40 minutes away from doorstep to doorstep. Meanwhile, I have to do something with all the dirty dishes, bibs, and stuff accrued from the first breakfast; diaper the twins, and wash out their potties; and try to hurry everyone along to get situated in the car. The girls, besides being easily distracted and wanting to play constantly, for the most part, are reliable to get themselves into the car and buckled in. But, the twins are old enough to want to exercise autonomy but young enough to not be big enough, strong enough, or coordinated enough to do what the girls can do (put on their own shoes, get into the car, buckle their own seat belt without assistance). All along the process of getting ready, I am constantly reminding the children to hurry. Hurry! Hurry. HURRY!

After hustling the older two to school and coming back, the twins go back on their own potty, have a second breakfast, while I am working, cooking, washing dishes, and doing a bunch of other things. Because I am jamming so much within a small amount of time, I am already exhausted by the time it is time to pick up the girls from school mid-afternoon. But, tired or not, the work for the day isn't even half done. There is food that needs to be cooked, homework that needs to be done, violin practice that needs to be guided, babies that need to be supervised on the potty, mouths to be fed, reading that needs to done, and little persons to ready for bed. When all four are in bed, there is work (as well as housework) that hasn't been done, that needs to be done.

Be still? I seemingly cannot afford to be still. Yet, I am recognizing the need to be still, for my sake as well as for the sake of those around me. If I cannot afford half a day of being still, I can try for less. Even an hour seems much more than I can accommodate with such young children's constant needs. Perhaps I can start with ten minutes. Daily, initially, would be unrealistic. Perhaps I can aim for 10 minutes of being still once a week at the onset and gradually increase the frequency and duration from there.

Being thankful

This season, next year, and the time looking forward, I desire to spend more time being thankful. Thankful for everyone in my life and thankful for everything I have. I am not one of those persons who are sugary sweet and happy-go-lucky, all the time. Awhile ago, a process that would change my life as I knew it - sometimes making me seriously doubt the trustworthiness of men, my ability to get along with others on a more intimate level, question the safety of the world - at times distracted me from thinking more on the the blessings I have in my life. I do not want to mark my life as one that has blackened and darkened my view of things or life in general. Rather, I want to think of what has happened to me as an opportunity for me to grow, be more flexible, define what I prioritize as truly important (and worth defending), dismiss as unimportant or not worth fretting about, identify with others in pain. And, I want to spend more effort and energy being thankful for people who have a positive influence in my life and things that positively impact me.

Tonight, I want to mention two for whom I am thankful.

First, I am thankful for my brood. I shall tell a bit about each one of them. My first born, who is only seven years old, is easily distracted and loves to joke, yet she is a natural leader. When I am not home, which is very infrequent, she inquires after me, shows concern on my behalf, and attempts to maintain order amongst her siblings. She finished learning Book 1 of Suzuki, on the violin, in about a year and is continuing on with Book 2. She's great in music, mathematics, and composition. My second born is a bit of a fire-cracker. Some would use the term 'spirited' or 'strong-willed' in reference to her. She's a bundle of energy who desires things a certain way (her way), in her own time (not sooner and not later). She would like to think she is the rule of the roost. She has a rather sharp mind that gave her the ability to figure out how to do simple puzzles at the age of 2 1/2, without any assistance from a person or from a picture of the puzzle. The third born is 11 minutes older than the youngest one in the family, and she takes charge as well as fends for her twin brother. Though she just turned 26 months old, she not only speaks in complete sentences, but she is able to articulate her emotions with words and describe others' feelings as well. With practice and repetition, she has learned to put 24 piece puzzles together on her own. The only boy in the family is the youngest in the brood. Of the four, he is the one who continually seeks my proximity, closeness with me, and my affection. He likes to nuzzle, hug, nudge, and run into me. For the most part, he seems to be especially interested in whatever his (twin) sister is doing, whether books, toys, or the like. In his own right, he loves to listen to music, look at books, run to and fro. I am thankful for each child in my brood and what makes that person, that person.

Second, I am thankful for my friends. Just this afternoon and evening, I had three friends drop by for a visit. My friends span all different walks of life, and I have known them for varying amounts of time. Yet, I feel quite close to a number of them. They speak to me with ease, and they, in turn, are interested in my life and well-being. Love, concern, and warmth are definitely present.