The day before yesterday was rough. That was the first time in awhile I was nearly in paralyzing despair. The reality that I have not been successful in landing a full-time job for the 2014-2015 year was hitting me like a ton of bricks. The fact that I still have nothing in place to financially provide for the children (and me) nearly put me in debilitating pain.
Even if I somehow do get full-time employment, these children need extra loving and nurturing through a prolonged, difficult and unpredictable time in their lives. How do I juggle working full-time with being fully present for them? Right now, being a full-time mom and working part-time takes no small amount of me. The twins are in full terrible 2's swing, dragging or pushing around their chairs everywhere, for extra height, so they can turn off and on light switches (over and over again), grab things off the counter they desire, make mayhem. Dealing with two, wait four, attempting to exercise as much autonomy as possible can be quite exhausting and time-consuming.
Though I believe tears, whether tears of joy or tears of exasperation, have important places in life, I do not have time to curl up in a fetal position and cry myself to sleep or to hide until everything blows over. I have mouths to feed, grocery shopping to do, places to take children, laundry to wash, food to cook, dirty dishes to clean, bottoms to wipe, stories to hear and respond, students to tend, etc.
Desperate to utilize my despair in a more productive way, I ventured beyond the comfortable and put a voice to my cries. At the end of service at church yesterday, when some of the staff were standing at the front of the sanctuary to pray for anyone wanting prayer, I went up. With tears in my eyes and barely any ability to speak in comprehensible fashion, I asked the pastor and his wife to pray for wisdom on what I should be doing. I cried through prayers bestowed on my behalf. Expected afterwards, I would attempt to wipe away my tears and quietly but quickly find my way back to my seat.
I was surprised by what came next. The pastor affirmed that I have been through a lot. I assume he was referring, amongst other things or events, to the process of filing for divorce (that lasted nearly two years), the divorce itself, and all the difficulties subsumed in this. Tears welt up even more and I was sobbing, perhaps tears of relief. I am not as useless as I had been feeling the day before. Plus, given the church's position on divorce, I wasn't sure I would gain any support as a divorcee.
Depression and despair are not to be merely brushed aside. They can be fierce, unforgiving contenders.
I am glad for reprieve from debilitating despair, for now. Though I have no answers on the difficult questions, I have survived yet another day. Today, I conquered the day with not four children (the older two were off of school for Presidents' Day) but five children (I looked after another young child for a single mom, who had to work and attend classes). Packed breakfast for everyone and we ate at a coffee shop and drew afterwards. Went to Petco, the six of us, and picked up a second Beta fish, an I.D. tag for a relatively newly adopted kitten, and few odds and ends. Did a few loads of laundry, fed children, got potty training children on the potties, bathed four children, cooked, took care of a few work-related tasks, played with the kitten (who was starving for attention and play), and several other tasks.
Today was a good day. I will take what I can get.
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