Monday, November 25, 2013

From Missus Cellophane

I am feeling much like Missus Cellophane, with people looking right through me, walking right by me, and never knowing I'm there. But, Missus Cellophane has feelings and is feeling rather vulnerable with a rush of intense, overwhelming feelings. I feel an absolutely huge sense of responsibility to provide for my four children and me. At the same time, these children also need a sort-of stay-at-home-mom - a mom who can constantly be a shoulder for them to lean on, especially through this particularly tough, cumbersome, lengthy season in our lives. How am I supposed to work a full-time job (preferably in what I am trained to do - teaching at the university level - because that might have a chance at paying the bills and covering for some child care for the youngest two, who are too young for school) and be a fully-available mommy for my children, while I sometimes still feel intense raw feelings of betrayal and cannot come to terms with how someone who was supposed to be by my side (on my side) could not only get into bed with addiction but also turn vehemently against me? I am not marketable in academia, because I haven't been doing anything 'useful,' like publishing, attending conferences, presenting papers. In fact, them finding out any woman has young children is a nail in the coffin of any woman wanting to work/teach in academia. I am royally screwed. I might as well be Misses Cellophane. Though no one really knows I am here, this not what I want. I work my tail end off for my children, from the time the twins wake me up at 4:30 am to after the older two go to bed. I've made grown, responsible, very busy adults exhausted and utterly zapped of energy sharing with them about just part of my daily routine. Yet what I do is still not enough; I need to do more. Send help. Love, Misses Cellophane.

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