Sunday, December 8, 2013

This little light

I must confess, I have been a bit discouraged by the more difficult matters in my life. Trying to find a full-time job for the 2014-2015 academic year, so that I can provide for the children and me. Being out of full-time teaching in academia and not publishing haven't helped my search. Not one bit. None of my traits seem marketable and appealing to these people. The father of these children is not supporting the children whatsoever, except in attempt to buy their affection when he does see them. But, I didn't have the expectation that he would be able to provide for them or me. I have earmarked many job openings that are potentials for me, but I haven't actually sent any out. I am in need of one more letter of recommendation. My C.V. looks so unimpressive compared with my colleagues'. The job descriptions in themselves look bleak and unattainably high. Plus, I spend much of my so-called free time driving (the girls to and from school), cooking, cleaning, washing dishes, buying groceries, wiping dirty bottoms, feeding mouths, doing laundry, working for the online class(es) I am teaching. Where, oh where, do I find the energy and time to apply for jobs?

I sense that I should be writing a book, but the topic is seemingly impossible and I am uncertain of the exact road map. I already tried and failed a 50,000 words in the month of November challenge to get that writing incentive going. And, I haven't done any real writing on the book since the beginning of the last full week of November.

I don't know how others feel about this, but mothering - molding and shaping the characters of children, hoping they will turn out to be good people - is hard work. I spend much time feeling guilty for not being loving enough, being too strict, doubting whether I am doing all I can do. My children are more important than much in my life, and I really want to get my obligation as a mother straight.

I need a little encouragement to keep from crying and crying and crying at the moment. So, I shall stop and give thanks. I am thankful the arms that have surrounded the children and me. They have been little lights in our lives. One instance of these outstretched arms is that a good friend, as an early Christmas present, took the girls and me to the ballet (while another friend watched the twins at home). Though my ballet is pretty rusty and nothing to write home about, I did take seven years of ballet and have a fond appreciation of the art. The girls have been interested in ballet for some time, and this was the first ever performance they attended.

Though I might have moments of intense despair and sadness, I know I am loved.

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